Thank you very much. I can't believe I'm standing up here at this podium at the Worst Mom Ever awards! I am so grateful to have won this award, but let me just say, I'm not the only winner. No, all of you who have toiled just as hard as I have – you're all winners in my book. Even if right now you’re feeling like a total loser.
Listen, we all know how much it takes to win Worst Mom Ever. This kind of success doesn't happen overnight, it takes years.
Some of you out there in the audience, you don't think you'll ever reach this pinnacle. Let me tell you something, you're sure you'll never hear this title addressed to you, but I promise you, you will.
How did I get here myself, you ask? Well, all I really did was commit to taking that first step all those years ago – that very first "no!"
"No, you may not have another cookie."
"No, no, don’t do that – we share our toys!"
"No!!! You never, never run out into the road!"
See? Some of you may have already started on the path to Worst Mom Ever, and you didn't even know you had it in you!
Soon enough, you'll be well on your way.
"No, you can't play Roblox until your homework is done."
"No, you don't need the sugar and caffeine in that soda. Get a glass of water."
"No, sleepovers and school nights don't mix. Well, maybe that’s how your friends do it at their house, but you live in this house, and here we don’t have sleepovers on school nights."
That’s right, you’re in the running before you know it! Before you can blink, you'll be in the big leagues.
"No! You may not stay out past curfew."
"No, definitely not, your father and I want to meet your date before you leave this house."
"Ha ha ha ha ha noooooooooo. This old car is perfect for you – you can have a brand new car when you can buy it for yourself."
Obviously, this is a special time. We don’t retain the title of “Worst Mom Ever” for life. Who knows, perhaps the day will come when I’ll be watching my own daughter compete for this very sash herself, because sometime, every worst mom must relinquish her title, and the sash, and the crown, and all the shouts of “You’re the worst mom ever!” that seem to follow us everywhere we go, even if we’re just leaving the living room.
One day, I’ll probably just go back to being known as just “Mom.”
Right? RIGHT??? Er...is this thing on?
No, I’m sure this is true, hey, that’s one of the reasons I was nominated for the award, because Mom thinks she always knows best, am I right? But I’m sure I’ll give up this title someday, because I’ve seen past winners come and go myself.
Let me take this time now to thank those trailblazers who came before me, most notably my mom, who, as many of you know, also once claimed this “Worst Mom Ever” award, and I hope I wear the crown and sash as well as she did. Thanks very much, Mom E, I wouldn’t be up here without you! You may not be the worst anymore, but in my book, you're still the best!
Happy Mother’s Day to all the best worst moms out there!
Hastings is a Connecticut News Media staff writer.